Item #30: Change. Part 1.

I’ve been going through a lot of change lately. And change is always a difficult thing. Humans have a strong reaction to change – it creates uncertainty and turmoil. I’ve learned a few things of late as a result:

I’ve Learned: Rational and Emotional
In the midst of difficult times, it’s easy to let emotional reactions carry us away. Makes sense: they are the significantly stronger part of us. Someone once told me our rational side is like the driver sitting atop the emotional elephant. The driver (rationality) can try to direct things, but when the elephant (emotion) decides something, the driver has no hope of controlling it. Just knowing that is half the battle. I’ve found it useful to sanction the two sides to their own spaces. When the emotional reactions come on, I break them apart and challenge them one by one. Is what I am feeling really true? How likely is it that it is really true? When I challenge myself to really pick apart the nature of my emotional thoughts, it’s easy to see very quickly that they are awry. Other times, I have to simply decide to let the rational win.

Example: My house is for sale. I had a moment of overwhelming emotion to the whole thing. I arrived home one evening, the house lights looked beautiful, the house looked beautiful and all I could think of were the wonderful memories of people and times spent in that house. But I caught myself. And challenged my thinking. I realized that I could re-create that emotional space somewhere else. I realized that the beautiful space doesn’t reside in a structure; it resides in me. And all romantic notions aside, looking to the rational truth, I can’t afford the house anymore. The upkeep and the investment that is required are beyond me, and the house has become an unfortunate burden. That’s the reality. Often it’s important to experience the emotion, then put it aside and let the rational win out.

I’ve Learned: Thoughts are Not Facts
When change is underway, the human condition is predisposed to try to make sense of things, to seek to understand. So we play through all the scenarios in our minds for what might be happening, or what might happen, to try to sort it all out. We tell ourselves the boss is probably thinking x, y and z and that’s why he did that. We decide that the ex must be doing a, b and c and thinking d, e and f. The problem is that we end up drawing all kinds of conclusions based on our own solo evaluations. And we forget that we arrived at those conclusions based only on our thoughts in the first place.

The kicker on this one is that most of the time we are wrong in our evaluations. Most of the time, the boss didn’t do half the things you thought he did, and his thoughts were 180 degrees away from where you thought they were. Ditto on the ex. And yet, you drew conclusions based on inaccuracies. Thoughts are not facts and that’s important to remember in tough times.

I’ve Learned: Leap vs. Logic
Finally, I’ve also learned that change cannot be conquered. It happens. It’s going to come at you when you least expect it sometimes, and it’s got a momentum all it’s own. In an effort to gain control, we try to plan, we try to organize, we create contingency plans. And this is a healthy approach. It’s responsible. It’s mature. It’s smart. But sometimes, many times, it doesn’t work. Someone once said, ‘in the midst of all our planning, life happens’. That’s not the direct quote, but it’s true. Sometimes you can do all the planning, and rational ‘thinking’ in the world, and you’ll still come up empty-handed for answers. Sometimes, you have to roll with it, see what happens and leap. Logic is a wonderful thing when it works, but it fails us, often. And in those situations, we just have to trust that we can leap, and that we will land.

I called this posting “Change: Part 1” because it’s an ongoing experience and I’m sure there’ll be a “Change: Part 2” posting somewhere down the line. Maybe even a Part 3 and 4 too.